I spent some time today looking over my posts from 2012. About a year ago, almost exactly, I wrote a piece about my difficulty being stupid. It centers on the idea of selling out for Christ and wiling to be foolish in the sight of the world for the glory of God. I look at the person I was then and I honestly cannot remember what it was like.
I wrote another post about an awesome weekend I had where my boy (Then about six months old) slept through the night and how one of the kids in my youth group was able to just really bless me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I wrote about weekend victories, and I wrote about settled-ness. I wrote about people having arguments inside the body of Christ and I played around with bible mad-libs.
Then around April things kinda fell apart on this blog and in my life. That came to a head towards the end of June. My little jokes seem like empty echoes from a lifetime ago. My deep thoughts from earlier in the year are still meaningful but hopelessly irrelevant.
Some folks call it perspective.
Me? I’m not sure what I call it. I could call it a new chapter, a turning point, a lynchpin moment, the crappiest day of the year….
I’m sitting here reflecting on the events of the past year and it still hurts. I haven’t really stopped to reflect and think about Bill’s death since October (enough links, just go back and look). Supposedly hindsight is 20/20 but I think it’s more accurate to quote Paul here.
“For now we see as in a mirror dimly.”
Looking back the world was hazy -a foggy memory of a cloudy night. Some things are available to me in vivid 3d Technicolor, but most of last year isn’t. and in a way that kills me. It kills me that I wrote so little about Bill because I don’t have something to remind me of the stories and the adventures. I don’t have that written record. But Paul addresses this as well as part of the greater solution.
“When perfection comes, the things that are not perfect [read “my memory”] will end…for now we see as in a mirror dimly but then we shall see clearly. Now I know only a part, but then I will know fully as God has known me.”
Reflecting on the past year is hard because I am imperfect in love and faith, and let’s face it a whole lot of other things. I look back as if I’m trying to remember the past by looking at it in a rear view mirror made of bronze instead of reflective glass. But someday that won’t matter and until then I’ll take my hazy memory and cherish that which I have.