So I’ve been camping out on Matthew 13:45-46 lately.  It’s a really short passage that has been a freaking lighthouse beacon for me.  I mean I opened by bible at random this morning to read something and that’s the page I opened up to.  I didn’t really want to read it again so I picked up a different bible, opened to a random page and VOILA – the same passage.

Now my first thoughts on the matter were recorded on @pacnwdadof6 ‘s blog HERE. Basically I say that the kingdom is worth much more than my limited hopes and dreams.  I mean I’m faced with a God who able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that I can ask or think and all I can dream and hope for is some career stuff?  That’s pretty lame when you think about the God of the universe saying “what you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” 

This is the God who thinks about me more times in a day than there are grains of sand in the world.  The Father who has nothing but good for me, who has planned a hope and a future for me, and I think my dreams for me are somehow better than HIS dreams for me?

Right.  Good job Sage.

And yet, it’s still so hard to let that go.  Why is that?

“There was a merchant in search of fine pearls…” I think the key to that question is right there.  Because once the merchant fines the priceless pearl, he sells every single other pearls he had purchased, he sold his goods for trade that made up his occupation, he sold his home and his possessions and everything he had for the sake of this one.  For the sake of that one, he stopped being a merchant, he stopped being a homeowner, he even lost the identity he had as a pearl collector for the sake of this one.  What does that tell me?  It tells me that it is not the dream I hold onto, but the sense of self that provides.  Letting go of that means letting go of who I understand myself to be.  But then again, that’s kind of the whole point of this surrender to Christ thing isn’t it?

“I die daily.”

“Let the dead bury the dead.”

“All of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into death.”

“Sell all that you have and distribute it to the poor.”

“Take up your cross and follow me.”

The real question is not “can I give up my dreams,” but can I, who have spent so much time over so many years, give up the sense of self I have so dearly struggled for, for the sake of the Kingdom?