Ok, time to be honest: sometimes I really annoy myself.  Depending on the day I’m either big picture or detail oriented; looking for the spotlight or hiding desperately from it; desperate to serve or desperate to rest; and on and on.

Days like today, when I realize how much my personality flies all over the map, are days that I envy the people around me.  Normally I don’t care what anyone else has because normally I’m pretty happy while losing myself in my relationship to Christ and my wife but on days like today, I envy all the people out there who have a palpable driving force in their lives.  I envy the people who have received a single vision for their lives from God and are able to pursue it with a singleness of purpose.

I don’t have that.  Half the time I don’t know what kind of purpose or calling I have on my life.  Am I supposed to be a pastor? Preacher? Writer? How about a non-profit professional?  Are any of these things mutually exclusive?  Is there one I need to be my primary focus?  We live in the USA, which one is going to make the money?

I’m sure there are people out there who envy me in turn, after all depending on who you ask I’m only ever one apostle short of a five fold ministry.  But Proverbs says that without vision people perish/run wild/wander lost (depending on your translation) well to be honest, too much vision seems to do that too.  I mean, God’s thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand on the shores of the world, forget that, what do you do when you feel like there are five different visions for your life that aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive but don’t really make sense when you fit them together either?

Seriously, you ever hear of a pastor who wrote science fiction?

….

This is kind of all over the place, just like how I’m feeling today.  I’m left wandering around kind of aimlessly thinking “what am I doing here? Who am I that this is where I’m supposed to be?”  I tend to do that a lot actually.

So I throw this question out on twitter and FB, not because I’m looking for an answer but because sometimes it helps me to just get it out of my head and look at it from a distance.  (in case you can’t tell, putting things in writing, helps me put things in perspective) A friend replies to me.

You’re name is saaayy-geeee and you’re here for the AA mtg right?  The Always Awesome mtg.  That is why you’re here isn’t it?

And he’s right.  Absolutely right.  I am who I am because I am who God has made me to be.  I can handle that.  And the always awesome meeting?  The worthy of Awe meeting?  Only One is always worthy of Awe.  Yeah, I’m here for that.  I’m here to meet Him.

 

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