Alexander Louis Leloir "Jacob Wrestling with an Angel"

A while ago I had a discussion with my rebellious spirit over whether I should read my bible, or take Dayquil and pass out on my couch. The dirty rebel one that one.  The next time I got into an argument with my spirit was over whether or not I should fast for a day.  Now I hate fasting.  When I don’t eat I get cranky.  I am not a pleasant person to be around so it’s a pretty big deal that I was obedient for that one (and I know, I’m supposed to bear fasting like I’m not fasting but I’m working on it, just haven’t gotten there yet.).

Most recently I experienced a bit of disappointment when something I had done obediently (not fasting, this is something else entirely) was met with indifference for the most part.  I was really trying here and the people I was offering this to, basically didn’t care.  So my spirit says to me, “what was the point of that?  Why did you go so far out of your way just to feel so miserable and disappointed?”

And I didn’t have an answer.  Thankfully, I’ve been at war with the cheating rebels for long enough that I knew that I couldn’t just sit in this feeling of disappointment without an answer.  So I did something really rare for me: I prayed.

Now some people are sitting there going, “aren’t you Christian, aren’t you supposed to pray?”

Well yes but I don’t normally go into a secluded room, shut the door and the distractions out, get on my knees and really seek the Lord (which after this experience is something I’ve resolved to do more often).

As I’m there in prayer, seeking the Lord, a great peace settles over me.  A great peace.  I can’t even describe it.  A peace that surpasses understanding kind of peace.  I’m so peaceful in this moment I’m almost giddy, it was kind of crazy.  I’ve never known that kind of peace.

Over the next… however long it was, God speaks into my heart and that of which I first needed conviction of, I now rest in.

Because obedience is not about this world.  It isn’t about what other people think or how they respond to what I do.  I am required to obey because God says so.  I believe what He says, I trust in Him and His reasons, I love Him enough not to disobey because to do so is better than any sacrifice and defiance is as bad as idolatry. (1 sam 15:22)

Now my rebellious spirit doesn’t like that one bit, but I’ll tell you what: that’s just too bad.

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